


Uneven Remainders

by benicemurphy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FWB Katt, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Esteem Issues, Unrequited Love, canon divergent after season 6, hopeful sheith ending, they both top, unrequited katt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 16:28:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19177075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benicemurphy/pseuds/benicemurphy
Summary: Keith and Matt have become extremely close in the months after Naxzela. In a timeline where Keith never goes back to lead Voltron, they find a way to comfort each other through the harshness of wartime. That is, until Matt meets someone else, and Keith is forced to face the reality that he really is alone.





	Uneven Remainders

**Author's Note:**

  * For [svana_vrika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/svana_vrika/gifts).



> Hello hello! This fic is dedicated to my bff Svana because she gave me the prompt:   
> Matt is Keith's first and it truly is FWB but Keith has _feelings_ and then Matt falls for his AI and wants to have a dedicated relationship so Keith is doing his best to be the supportive Best Friend and truly wants Matt to be happy, but he's just so sad inside, and then Shiro comes into it somehow and gives the happy ending.
> 
> So here it is! Set sometime after season 6. Keith never went back to lead Voltron but still sees them from time to time. Also the clone fight happened but Shiro still has an arm, I guess, Idk. Don't think about it too hard.

Keith couldn’t help but laugh as the door slid shut behind them with a _whoosh_. He stumbled backward until his legs collided with the bed and fell back, Matt landing on top of him with no regard for his weight or his bony body.

“Ouch, you jackass,” Keith laughed, but he wasn’t really hurt. It didn’t matter. Keith could feel Matt’s smile in his kiss and his long, thin fingers crawling across his abs beneath his shirt. It was all fun and freedom and simplicity with Matt. No strings, no hurt, no self-doubt — just a hot guy with a goofy grin and a heart bigger than the planet on which they were stationed.

Matt beamed, totally unrepentant, and blew a raspberry on Keith’s neck, forcing loud, embarrassing giggles out of his throat. Keith forced his hand between his neck and Matt’s faced and shoved Matt off with playful aggression, but Matt used the move to his advantage and grabbed Keith by the waist to roll Keith on top of him. Keith wasted no time spreading his legs to straddle Matt’s hips. He leaned down as if to kiss him and changed course at the last minute to lick a big, wet strip from his jaw up to his temple.

“Eugh!” Matt cried. Keith couldn’t help but laugh at his half-disgusted, half-delighted expression. The grin forcing itself onto Matt’s face gave him away even as he scrubbed his saliva-covered face with one hand.

The other, which had previously been exploring Keith’s abs, was now settled firmly at the small of his back, holding him in place. Keith buried his face against Matt’s long, slender neck as they both took a minute to collect themselves.

How could it possibly be so easy?

When they both caught their breath, Matt began to trail his fingers up and down Keith’s spine, eliciting a shiver that only brought them closer together. He sighed in what Keith hoped was contentment, then angled his head so that Keith was forced to remove himself from his neck and look him in the eye.

Matt approached kissing the same way he approached everything: with enthusiasm and optimism. He was such a happy kisser, and _boy_ did he know how to use his tongue. Keith trailed his own hand over Matt’s flank and up to his neck to bury his fingers in his hair and hold him in place. He was quickly learning that kissing Matt was one of the best feelings in the universe.

Of course, it wasn’t like he had much to compare it to. Matt had been his first kiss and was currently on track to becoming his first everything else, but still, it felt so _nice_ , and Keith was sure that even without a reference, Matt must be better at it than a lot of other people.

“Hey, Keith?” Matt murmured against his lips. Keith hummed in response, unwilling to end their kiss yet as he dove in for more. Matt indulged him for a few moments for breaking off to speak again. “You remember the conversation we had about whether or not artificially intelligent beings could learn to experience romantic love?”

Keith propped himself up on his elbow to look down at his friend. He nodded. “Do we have to talk about this right now, though? I kinda thought…” he trailed off and gestured toward the lower parts of their bodies where they were pressed together. There was no way Matt couldn’t feel his erection plastered up against his hip. Keith could definitely feel Matt’s, and he was eager to get a hand (or mouth, or ass) on it as soon as possible.

Matt laughed again, full-bodied, and it shook Keith where he was perched on top of him. “Sorry, you’re right. First the procedure, _then_ the discussion.” He gave Keith and exaggerated wink that had Keith groaning and collapsing on top of him with the force of all his weight.

“Nope, I’m done. Experiment failed.”

Matt grabbed him by the hips and dragged their bodies together. The action elicited a whimper to which Keith would never in a million years admit. “I don’t think so,” Matt cooed. “The evidence suggests that you’re nowhere near finished.”

Keith couldn’t help the exasperated smile that threatened to break across his face. “Why are you such a fucking _nerd_? Do you think that turns people on?”

“Nope,” Matt shrugged, giddy grin still firmly in place, “but I think you like me anyway.”

Keith wouldn’t dignify that very correct assertion with a response. Instead, he leaned down again and bit the tip of his nose. The result was another giggle fit that ended with two of them lying together in a comfortable embrace. They were both still mostly hard, but rushing toward an orgasm wasn’t worth spoiling the easy atmosphere surrounding them.

Slowly, Matt rolled them both onto their sides to face each other and slid a hand up to cradle Keith’s cheek. Keith allowed himself to be taken care of. For a few long moments, they just lay there maintaining soft eye contact. It was sweet and quiet and intimate, things that Keith wouldn’t have associated with Matt when they were younger, but that he had grown to love about him since they had reconnected after Naxzela.

He leaned in to kiss him, unable to hold back anymore, and felt Matt’s hand tighten in his hair briefly before sliding back down over his body and resting gingerly at his hip.

“Matty, you don’t have to be so careful. You can touch me.”

Matt slid his hand down over his ass and gave it a quick but sharp smack. “Like that?” he teased. Matt had a way of keeping the tone lighthearted when they were together. No matter what Keith was going through at the time, Matt was always there to offer a smile, kind words, and an ever-growing collection of awful jokes. He leaned forward and kissed Keith again. The smile on his face softened when they parted, his eyes full of a fondness Keith wasn’t used to having directed at him. It absolutely took his breath away.

“Seriously, though,” Matt said, voice softened to match his eyes. “I want this to be good for you. Maybe it’s a little old-fashioned of me to think so, but your first time should be special. You deserve to have someone show you that you’re special.”

All at once, Keith’s heart started beating out of his chest. It was so uncharacteristically serious for the two of them. Their relationship, or whatever it was, had always skirted the line of romance, pulling back before crossing into that territory. They were decidedly _not romantic_ ; that was why they worked. But this… this felt _very_ decidedly romantic. And Keith… it didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would after spending so long getting over someone who never even knew he had broken Keith’s heart.

He could feel the emotions starting to overwhelm him, and his first instinct was to hold on tightly and pull Matt closer, to take the comfort from another warm body and allow himself to be engulfed in it.

Matt reciprocated the embrace and laid a series of kisses against Keith’s head and shoulders. He didn’t press, just peppered him with affection and waited for Keith to pull himself together.

“Sorry,” Keith whispered when he had managed to reign in his emotions. Matt tipped up his chin and pecked him sweetly on the lips.

“Don’t ever apologize for something like that.” He gave him one more kiss and then fixed him with a concerned gaze. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Keith responded by cupping the back of Matt’s head and pulling their foreheads together. “Now more than ever,” he said, and dove in for a much more heated kiss. Just like that, the mood was back.

They rolled so that Keith was settled on top again and slowly began to strip each other, one piece of clothing at a time. With each area of newly exposed skin, Keith felt his pulse quicken. It was happening. At one point he had thought the time would never come for him, but there he was, with someone he truly cared for, who truly cared for him, and it was already everything he could have wanted.

By the time they were both fully nude, Keith’s nerves began to set in. He had never really seen himself as someone who would care about his first time. It was stupid, wasn’t it? To care? Sex was just sex. It was something people did for all kinds of reasons. He had never bought into the outdated view of sex as anything other than what it was: an expression of passion, a physical pleasure, a natural instinct.

And yet, there was something so incredibly intimate about what they were doing — about to do. For the first time in his life, he felt really, truly vulnerable to someone. He was naked in every way. He knew that if Matt looked him in the eyes now, he would see every part of Keith’s soul exposed, right down to the ugly parts he tried to keep hidden from everyone.

Keith didn’t know what his expression gave away, but Matt must have seen something, because he reached up and ruffled Keith’s hair.

“Hey, Kitten, come on. This is supposed to be fun. Don’t tell me now that I’m naked you’re not having anymore fun.”

Matt’s expression was playful but his cheeks were ruddy. For the first time since they stumbled into Matt’s room, Keith considered the possibility that Matt might be just as affected as him.

He shook himself out of his head and rolled his hips a little where he was seated on Matt’s lap. “Oh, we haven’t even started on the fun part,” Keith said.

“No?” Matt eyed him with a lecherous gaze. “Well then please, Keith, show me what I’m missing.”

Keith leaned down so that they were completely pressed together from hip to chest. They kissed softly at first, then more deeply, until they were both rutting together completely lost in the taste and feel of each other.

Although Keith could have happily gotten off just like that, Matt’s tongue in his mouth and the slick of skin against skin, he knew he needed more. He wanted to be closer. He needed that intimacy. And although he mourned the loss of Matt’s lips against his as soon as they parted, the gorgeous arch of Matt’s back when Keith sank into him from behind was a view he would not have wanted to miss.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be goofy and fun and light, and yeah, it _was_ all of those things, but it was also so much more intense than he had expected. He was blown away by it all: Matt’s ponytail, fisted in his hand to show off the long line of his neck; the way Matt’s back arched when he pulled; the breathy whines that punched out of him as Keith thrust in and out. Matt was breathtaking.

Maybe it was just the mushy feelings caused by finally having his dick inside another person, but maybe… Maybe it was something more.

That was definitely not a rabbit hole he wanted to fall down at the moment.

It didn’t last long, but it was perfect. When they were both satisfied, they lay panting side by side. Matt reached over after a few moments of basking in the afterglow and laced their fingers together. It was another little intimate gesture that made Keith’s heart flutter uncomfortably. It was just so _sweet_. They weren’t supposed to be _sweet_.

They weren’t supposed to be, but it worked. It really, really worked.

Keith squeezed the fingers laced with Matt’s and closed his eyes. “Can I stay?” he asked. His heart was hammering. He wasn’t supposed to ask that.

“Oh,” Matt said. “I thought we had talked about that.”

They had. They weren’t supposed to sleep in the same bed, just in case. They both went in with the understanding of what this was. Then again, they weren’t supposed to hold hands or gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes, either.

Keith swallowed. “I know. I just…” He trailed off, not sure if he wanted to expose himself even more than he already had. He felt Matt turn his head to look at him, but Keith remained on his back with his eyes closed. Matt’s gaze burned into his profile. “I’m just not ready to go back and be alone.”

Matt returned his earlier squeeze and unlocked their hands. For one horrible second, Keith thought he was about to get kicked out, and his heart plummeted until he felt the same arm come around his shoulders to pull him close. He allowed himself to be move and cuddled closely to Matt’s chest. He could hear Matt’s heartbeat where he laid his head.

“Of course you can stay,” Matt whispered. He laid a kiss on Keith’s sweaty forehead, and that was when Keith knew that he was in deep trouble.

_______________

Duty and missions in different quadrants separated them fairly quickly after that. They had parted the morning after on happy terms but without a kiss, of course. It felt kind of stupid to draw the line there after months of sloppy make-out sessions and a night of intense sex, but Matt was right. They couldn’t let things get too relationship-y. Neither of them could afford that right now. Keith knew better than anyone that being in love with someone in the middle of wartime was a recipe for heartbreak and disaster. Besides, they were friends. They had both needed an outlet the first time it happened, and then it had just become habit to waste a little time and energy together whenever they happened to meet. That was all.

Keith didn’t have much time to dwell on it after that. Things went on as normal. He spent time with the Blades and with Voltron as needed. He spent time with Shiro when possible, but their downtime was limited, and the downtime they had in the same place at the same time even more so.

On one particularly tough mission, he had been with Krolia and Kolivan trying to tamp down a minor uprising on a planet not yet occupied by the Galra. A group of the planet’s occupants who refused to put their trust in either Voltron or the Blade of Marmora had been plotting to gather more forces from planets in the surrounding quadrant and take over whatever planets they could before the Galra arrived to do it themselves. Thankfully, rebel forces had reached the area and discovered the uprising before it could gain any traction and had called the nearest available support for help handling it diplomatically. It hadn’t gone as smoothly as they had hoped, and in the end there were some heavy regrets on all sides.

Matt’s team had been the ones to discover the planet and the uprising, which meant that he and Keith got to spend some time together before going their separate ways. After an extremely rough few days, they both needed to blow off a little bit of steam, and that was how Keith found himself in the cramped quarters of his cruiser, naked and perched on Matt’s lap with his lips trailing the shell of Matt’s ear.

Matt’s breathing was stuttered and harsh, and it only spurred Keith on more.

“You like that?” he breathed, purposefully puffing his breath into Matt’s ear. Matt shivered and squeezed where his hands were gripping Keith’s hips.

“Mmmm.”

Keith grinned and nibbled the shell where he had been teasing it with his lips. Matt’s hands traveled down his hips to grab Keith’s cheeks and squeeze, _hard_. Keith arched his back in response, pressing himself close and eliciting an appreciative sound from his bedmate. “You’re a tease, Kitten,” Matt said. He released one cheek and brought his hand back to lay a sharp smack on Keith’s ass. The sound that came out of his mouth could only be described as a whine.

“Oh,” Matt breathed, visibly delighted. “That was a fun noise. Do you think if I did it again, I’d get the same result?”

His childish glee was adorable and embarrassing. Keith ducked his head, suddenly bashful. “No.”

Matt wisely did not take his word for it and spanked him again. “Oh, it _is_ repeatable! Very interesting.” Keith hated the way Matt’s dorky, widespread grin made his stomach erupt in butterflies.

“Stop making our sex scientific,” he scolded.

Matt kissed him and ran a soothing hand over his now surely bright pink cheek. “Never pass up an opportunity to learn, babe.”

_Babe_.

The pet name played on repeat in his clouded mind. The feeling of Matt’s hands trailing down his back, tangling in his hair, squeezing his ass; Matt’s lips on his jaw, his neck, his nipples, his cock… it was all too much and not enough. Every stupid inappropriate joke that made him laugh also made his heart clench.

When Matt finally slid inside him, he was so physically and emotionally overstimulated that he was only able to last a couple of minutes before he was hit with the full force of his orgasm. Matt held him through it, leaving soft pecks across his neck and cheeks as he came down. When he was finished, Matt slid out and finished himself in his hand, and Keith mourned the lost opportunity to feel Matt finish inside him.

“Well,” Matt sighed as he flopped backward onto the bed, “I’d say that position is definitely worth repeating, wouldn’t you?”

“Hell yeah,” Keith replied. His head still spun from the mind-blowing orgasm and the onslaught of feelings he had experienced. “Whatever you want.”

Matt chuckled and cracked an eye that had fallen shut where he lay starfished beneath him. “Whatever I want, huh? Did I rock your world that hard?”

“You’re an idiot,” Keith huffed with no actual malice.

“Babe, that’s not an answer.” Keith felt his face heat, the pet name hitting him even harder the second time. “Aw, Keith, you’re blushing!” Matt teased. “How cute. I can’t remember the last time I made someone blush.”

Keith buried his face in his hands and flopped down on top of Matt. “You’re the worst. I’m never sleeping with you again.”

Matt wrapped his arms around him and squeezed. “Yes you will.”

Keith couldn’t even deny it. “Yeah, I will.”

He couldn’t convince Matt to stay the night, though he did ask once as Matt was cleaning himself up.

“Keith, you know I care about you, right?” he said. Keith nodded. “We have to have boundaries, or one of us is going to end up getting hurt.” To his credit, he did look like he regretted having to leave, or maybe just having to explain the same thing that they had already discussed yet again. Keith didn’t press the issue.

When the door slid shut behind Matt, Keith didn’t move from his place on the bed. He just stared up at the ceiling of his dingy quarters and tried not to think about the dread swirling in his gut.

He couldn’t think, because if he let himself do it for too long, he might have to admit that he was already getting more attached than he should. That maybe, he was already setting himself up to get hurt.

_But maybe_ , whispered the hopeful voice in the back of his mind, _it might not be such a bad thing to be attached. Maybe this could be the real thing. Maybe there’s a chance._

He drifted off to sleep and wasn’t surprised in the morning when he awoke from dreams of golden eyes, a sense of peace settled deep in his bones.

Maybe it wasn’t such great timing, but he could wait. More importantly, the feelings he was feeling now just proved that heartbreak didn’t have to last forever. He could finally move on.

_______________

“You look happy, Kit,” Krolia said a few days later at a slow moment. Although he knew she meant it as a passing comment, he couldn’t help but feel a little called out. Yeah, he _was_ happy. He just didn’t think he had been quite so obvious about it.

“Just feeling good, I guess,” he said with a shrug.

Krolia glanced at him from the corner of her eye but continued sorting through supplies as she spoke. “Any particular reason? I didn’t think you’d seen much of Shiro recently.”

Keith flushed. Of course Krolia knew about the torch he’d been holding for Shiro since he was a tiny cadet at the Garrison. It would be hard not to figure it out after seeing him in nearly all of Keith’s happy memories in the quantum abyss. He cleared his throat a bit awkwardly.

“It’s not Shiro,” he said. What he didn’t mean to say but knew was implied in the spaces between his words was, _but it is someone else_.

The meaning clearly got through to his mother, and Keith sort of wished it hadn’t. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about any of it yet. He ventured a glance in her direction and found her looking at him with an eyebrow raised. She didn’t ask, but the question was obvious in her expression.

No, he wasn’t really ready to talk about it, but when else would he get a chance to bond with his mom over something like this? They’d been making amazing progress in their relationship, after all, and Keith wanted to be close with her, so he swallowed his worry and fumbled his way through a conversation about his feelings with his mother.

Sometime throughout the course of the conversation, they gave up the pretense of sorting supplies and sat crosslegged across from each other on the cold floor. When Keith was finished, Krolia watched him fiddle with his fingers for a moment before speaking.

“So, no more Shiro?” she asked.

Keith shook his head slowly. “It’s not like that. I think… I’ll always love Shiro. I think it’s just a part of who I am. But I also think that I’ll be okay now. It’s like… I dunno, like, I can love Shiro but I can love someone else, too. And loving Shiro doesn’t have to get in the way of that. I’m happy for every minute I spend with him, but I don’t need to have more than what we have now.”

Krolia made a contemplative noise. “And this other person…” she trailed off, leaving it up to Keith to finish the rest of the conversation.

“Yeah,” he said as he squirmed a little in his seat. It would probably never stop feeling awkward to talk about his emotions so openly. “I think maybe I’ve found him.” He felt a smile, small but insistent, tug up the corners of his lips.

When he looked up at his mother, he found an answering smile and a look of pride and joy in her eyes.

_______________

He wasn’t ready to talk to Matt about it. They had already discussed it, after all; they were friends, they just needed an outlet, there wasn’t time or space for a relationship right now, they rarely saw each other — the list went on and on. Still, in his heart he knew that they were good together.

Every time they met, that feeling cemented more and more. Keith couldn’t remember a time that he had ever smiled more. Aside from maybe a few good months at the Garrison when things had been going really well for him, he wasn’t used to much prolonged good in his life. This thing with Matt, though, it felt _good_. They laughed and goofed around and gave each other shit, but they could also be serious and help each other through rough times. It was just exactly what Keith needed, and damn if it didn’t feel good to be wanted by someone.

They met a few more times over the next couple of months, and each time Keith was greeted with a big, all-encompassing bear hug and a “Missed you, Kitten.” Sometimes he got a silly peck on the cheek or the nose, sometimes a sweet peck on the lips, and sometimes, when he was really lucky, the kind of kiss that made him dizzy in its intensity. Those were his favorite meetings. A kiss like that always meant the sex was going to be _incredible_.

“Do you remember that conversation he had about if AI can fall in love?” Matt asked one night as they lay cuddled together. The question tugged at something familiar in the back of his mind.

“Yeah,” he said, snuggling closer to bury his face his Matt’s long hair and pepper kisses on his neck. “What about it?”

“I guess it depends on their original programming,” Matt replied. “Some are programmed to learn facts and be able to make decisions based on those facts. Others are programmed to recognize emotions and factor them into their own decisions. Others still, though not as many, are programmed to learn how to not only recognize emotion, but also store information about those emotions that they can integrate into their own reactions. When that happens, part of their physical makeup is stimulated to simulate natural brain responses. The stimulations are stored as what we would equate with emotions and can be evoked by outside stimuli, both physical and emotional. So yeah, there are some AI out there that can learn to feel romantic love.”

“Oh, cool,” Keith replied. “How’d you learn all that?”

“I started working with a new crew recently. One happens to be an AI. We got to talking not too long ago and it kind of just came up. Pretty neat to have someone I can actually ask about this kinda stuff. And she never gets offended when I ask prying questions, which is nice, because you know how I can be sometimes. Subtlety and nuance don’t exactly run in the Holt family.”

Keith snorted. “Yeah, you’re not really the sugar coating type.”

Matt pinch his side, causing Keith to yelp and wiggle at the ticklish sensation. “Look who’s talking, Mister Dark and Broody. You’re not exactly the poster child for tact, either.” He doubled his tickling efforts, eliciting loud gasps and reluctant giggles from Keith until it turned into a full-on tickle war. Keith tried his best, but Matt, being less ticklish and at an advantageous angle, managed to pin his wrists over his head with one hand and straddle him into the bed while tickling the life out of him with his other hand.

“Okay, okay!” Keith pleaded, desperate and writhing and losing his breath. “I give! You win!”

Matt paused his tickling and leaned down with a victorious smirk. “It’s not like you to give up so easily, Kitten.” He made as if he was going to tickle him again, and instinctively Keith twitched out of the way. Matt laughed, big and bright and beautiful, and set his hand back onto the bed beside Keith in a peacemaking gesture.

As Keith looked up at him with his wrists still loosely pinned above him, he couldn’t help but feel a little overcome. This was what he’d always wanted, wasn’t it? To fall for his best friend? Sure, maybe he’d wished once upon a time that it would be Shiro playing with him like this and looking at him like he was the only thing in the universe, but Matt was no consolation prize. Matt was everything he could have ever hoped for as a kid, sitting by himself with no friends, no family, no one to love him. In his wildest daydreams, he never expected to find a love like this one. He never expected to be so seen or understood.

“Matty?”

Matt looked down at him with fond eyes. “Yeah?”

“Kiss me.” Matt didn’t hesitate to do as he was told.

They kissed for a long time, sweetly and without the need for anything more. Before Keith was ready, Matt’s comm beeped, indicating that it was time for him to leave.

“Stay,” Keith pleaded. “You don’t have to go.”

Matt gave him a sad smile. “You know I do.” With that, he gave him one last kiss and turned to leave. “I’m gonna be away for a while. We have a lot of work to do. Just… take care of yourself, okay?” His smile turned just the slightest bit more fond. “I’ll miss you.”

Keith’s heart thudded loudly. Matt had never said those words with that kind of weight before. “I’ll miss you, too.”

As he watched Matt leave, he couldn’t quite stifle the hope forcing its way into his heart.

_______________

As it turned out, “a while” was something close to six months. For Keith, it was miserable. The only things keeping his spirits up were spending time with his mom, knowing the work he was doing mattered, and on rare occasion, getting to see Shiro for a few days at a time.

If Shiro or any of the paladins had picked up on something going on between him and Matt, they didn’t say anything. Actually, most of the other paladins didn’t say anything to him at all. He and Shiro spent most of their time when they weren’t in strategy meetings by themselves catching up. In a way, it was nice. It made Keith feel more adult, even aside from the obvious factor of his having aged two years ahead of the others, to feel Shiro treating him less like a protégé and more like an equal. Their friendship had evolved in ways that Keith couldn’t have predicted before he left, but he was _so_ grateful for it, especially at a time when he needed the closeness of a good friend. He had been absolutely positive that leaving Voltron would eventually mean losing Shiro, too. Miraculously, the time apart seemed to really do them some good. It felt like he and Shiro had never been closer.

Coincidentally, he was with Shiro the day that Matt finally returned. When his comm pinged and Matt’s image appeared, Keith couldn’t help the dopey smile that lit up his face. Shiro looked at him with unbridled curiosity in his eyes but didn’t pry.

_Hey Keith, I’m back. Meet up soon?_

Keith’s heart soared. It had been _so long_ since he’d last seen Matt, and he wasn’t afraid to admit to himself that he missed him like hell.

He shot off his enthusiastic reply and turned his comm over so that he couldn’t see the screen. It wouldn’t do him any good to sit around and stare at the clock or wait for another message to come through. That wasn’t the kind of person he was, anyway. Keith didn’t sit around and wait. Keith moved forward. He moved on. So he turned his attention back to his longest, closest friend, and allowed the time to pass naturally.

“Big plans tonight?” Shiro asked when Keith was getting up to leave.

Keith, attempting (and likely failing) to play it cool, shrugged. “Not really. Just gonna hang out with Matt for a bit.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Shiro quietly breathed. Keith paused in his movements and glanced back in time to see Shiro’s shocked face before he was able to school it back into his normally controlled expression. “I haven’t heard from him in a while. Everything going okay?”

“Good, I think,” Keith said. “He just got back from a mission lasting six phoebs so there hasn’t been much time to talk since he left.”

“You guys normally talk a lot?”

“We’ve been keeping up with each other for a while.” Keith shrugged again. “Out in the same places a lot of times. You know how it is.”

Shiro cleared his throat and shuffled on his feet for a second before letting out a somewhat stilted “yeah,” followed by a loaded pause. “Well, have fun,” he said. He stepped forward and enveloped Keith in an almost crushing hug, one like they hadn’t shared since before the Kerberos launch. Keith allowed himself to snuggle into it a little, somewhat touch starved and craving closeness. He really couldn’t wait to see Matt. When Shiro stepped back with one final clap on Keith’s shoulder, Keith didn’t even try to hide his joy. He wouldn’t have been able to, anyway.

“I will. See you later, Shiro.”

He turned and sped toward the hangar as quickly as his legs would carry him.

_______________

“Keith!” Matt cried the minute he stepped off his ship. Keith was immediately engulfed in a spinning embrace.

“Welcome home, Matty,” he said once Matt put him down. “Everything alright?”

“Everything’s amazing!” They began walking. Keith didn’t know where Matt was taking him, but it didn’t matter. “We accomplished a lot. I know it’s been a while, but it was good work. We’re really making progress, and our forces are stronger than ever.”

Keith smiled. Matt was in an even better mood than usual, which was saying something, considering one of the most attractive things about Matt was his general positive affect. “Glad to hear it,” Keith said warmly. They continued walking. Maybe it was the long separation, but Keith was feeling nervous, and he wasn’t sure how to get over that. In fact, it only seemed to increase the longer they walked.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Matt said, “but I assumed you had some free time since you were already at the Castle.” Matt glanced over at him from the corner of his eye but didn’t elaborate on where they were going.

“I have time,” Keith said.

“Good. There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

Keith’s pulse fluttered. The statement sounded innocent enough, but those words historically meant something bad was coming, at least in Keith’s world. Then again, this was Matt. Matt, who was always in a good mood, always did his best to make Keith happy, always came through for Keith when he needed him. Maybe, just _maybe_ , Matt was finally on the same page as Keith, and had decided that this thing between them could become a little more permanent. After the way they parted last time, and Matt’s cheerfulness on coming back, it wasn’t such a crazy thing to think, was it?

They had been together for over a year at that point, after all. Well, not _together_ together, but in a manner of speaking. And sure, they hadn’t seen each other for the last six months of that, but it didn’t feel like anything had changed between them. Not in a bad way, anyway.

Keith tried to keep his nerves under control as they came upon their destination. They had left the hangar and moved past all of the living quarters, the observation deck, and the common area. All that was left was the kitchen. That wasn’t so weird, Keith supposed. Matt did tend to get pretty hungry after a lot of physical exertion.

Except when they made it to the kitchen, Matt didn’t go for any of the food products. Instead, he plopped his pack onto a countertop, unzipped a side pocket, and pulled out an unlabeled bottle of something that made Keith feel very, very wary. 

“What is that?” he asked, eyeing the suspicious liquid.

Matt pulled out two small glasses, not quite large enough to be standard Earth shot glasses, and filled both only about halfway. It was silvery and sort of shimmery in a way that the beverages Keith was used to drinking usually weren’t. “Better if I don’t tell you,” Matt said. “But it’ll knock you on your ass if you have too much, so we’re gonna take it easy.”

He handed Keith his glass first, then picked up his own and held it up in the universal gesture for “cheers.” Keith complied and clinked his glass against Matt’s, then waited for Matt to swallow his drink before tipping back his own.

It was awful. Definitely the worst thing Keith had ever tasted, including the Castle’s food goo. It made his throat burn and his tongue fizzle like he had a mouthful of exploding rock candy. When he swallowed, the fizzle followed the motion down his throat and faded somewhere in his esophagus.

“Matt, what the fuck is this?” he wheezed. Matt grinned and poured two more shots.

“Rebel secret,” Matt said with a wink. “I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

Keith groaned. “Why are you so lame?” he complained. Matt just grinned wider.

“You love it.”

The second shot went down slightly more easily, and already Keith was beginning to understand why Matt had warned him to go slowly before even pouring the first tiny portion. Each shot was maybe only a third of a regulation Earth shot, but after just two Keith could already feel himself relaxing in a way that would normally take _a lot_ of booze.

“Of course I do,” Keith mumbled unthinkingly in response to Matt’s last comment.

Matt capped the bottle and reclaimed Keith’s glass, setting everything off to the side and out of reach. Then he reached out for Keith’s hand, which Keith gave willingly, tangling their fingers together.

“I need to talk to you about something,” Matt said again. Keith hummed in acknowledgement. Taking it as his cue to continue, Matt said, “I’ve been gone for a while, Keith. Some things have changed, and I feel like you have the right to know.”

The nervous anticipation that had faded out in favor of confusion over Matt’s choice of drink came back in full force. Maybe he wasn’t crazy after all.

“What is it?” Keith asked, giving Matt’s fingers a little squeeze.

Matt squeezed back but hesitated before answering. Slowly, he withdrew his hand and took a deep breath. “Do you remember what we talked about before I left?”

Keith thought back to the last time he had seen Matt. There had been the heartfelt “I’ll miss you,” of course, but that couldn’t be it. They had also talked about how Matt couldn’t stay the night. That was pretty much always followed by the conversation of them being just friends, not becoming too relationship-y, not becoming too attached.

“Yes,” Keith said. His breathing was becoming shakier and shakier with each breath. Could this really be it?

“Well, I can’t really explain how it happened, but…” He looked Keith directly in the eyes, all earnestness and vulnerability, and Keith’s heart flip flopped. “Keith, I’m in love.”

Everything stopped. Keith sucked in a deep breath, suddenly overcome with emotion and spilling over with hope and joy. He felt a grin bigger than any he’d worn in years split his face, then watched as Matt’s own grin overtook his face as well.

“Really?” Keith breathed. He couldn’t believe it. He had hoped it would be a possibility, sure, but they had agreed from the very beginning to be just friends. Matt had been the one stressing the importance of not developing feelings for each other, talking about how messy it would be during wartime and how difficult it would be not being able to see each other very often. Yet here they were. Matt was _in love_.

“Yeah, really,” Matt said. “It’s incredible. I mean, I guess I knew it was _possible_ , since — well, you remember what we talked about, we don’t have to go through all of that again — I just didn’t think I’d ever get to _experience_ it, you know?”

Keith did know. He never thought he’d get to have something like this, either.

“And I mean, I know it’s not exactly what most people would consider _normal_ ” — Keith felt his grin slip as he narrowed his eyes in confusion. Sure, they had started off as fuck buddies, but that wasn’t _that_ weird — “and we haven’t really known each other that long” — _Wait_ — “but I can just _feel_ it, you know? This is _it_ for me, Keith. She’s it for me.”

Keith felt the expression freeze on his face. _Of course_ Matt wasn’t talking about him. Why would he? If he had felt the same as Keith, he would have said something, or he would have stayed when Keith asked him to, or he would have called more while he was gone.

But Matt was still his friend — outside of Shiro, his _best_ friend, even — and he needed to be supportive of him. He had always known what this was. That was what he kept telling himself. He knew what he had signed up for, it and it was his own stupid fault that he let himself fall for someone who had told him time and time again that a relationship wasn’t possible. He just hadn’t listened.

“Oh,” he said when he recovered. He hoped it didn’t sound as broken as he felt. “That’s amazing, Matt. Who is she?”

Matt’s smile didn’t even waver. He was in his own world. “She joined my team a little bit before I left. I mentioned her then, remember? She’s the one who taught me about how AIs feel love.”

Suddenly the conversation slammed back into the front of Keith’s mind. How could he have forgotten that conversation? It was such a Matt thing to fall for a piece of technology. Keith never stood a chance.

“I remember,” he choked out. Reality was starting to set in. How had he done this to himself twice? How could he keep letting himself fall for people who would never love him back?

“So I guess we probably shouldn’t hook up anymore. You know, out of respect for my new wicked cool girlfriend.”

Every word was another twist of the knife. “Yeah, of course. I’m—” he forced himself to take a breath and swallow his pain. “I’m really happy for you.”

The worst part was that it wasn’t a total lie. He _was_ happy for Matt. Matt was one of his best friends, and he deserved all of the love and happiness in the world. Keith just wished it didn’t come at the expense of his own.

The final killing blow was the sweet, soft smile that Matt gave him. “Thanks, Keith.”

Keith held it together until Matt left not much later.

_______________

“Keith?”

Keith grunted. He would have answered, but grunting was easier.

“Hey, Keith.” Someone shook his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

He grunted again. The shaking made his head spin.

“Okay, come here.”

He felt himself being lifted. His stomach turned and his head throbbed, but he let himself be carried. What else was he supposed to do? If someone wanted to carry him, let them. It wasn’t like he was busy or anything.

He drifted off for what felt like mere seconds and woke up as he was placed on his side on something soft. A bed, probably. That was what beds usually felt like.

Fingers brushed through his hair. He recognized the sensation. It felt nice.

“Matt?” he mumbled. The fingers stopped. Oh, right. Matt wouldn’t be touching him like that anymore.

“No,” the voice from earlier said. “Matt left a while ago. I’m sorry.”

“Hm.”

Everything hurt. Most notably his heart, followed closely by his pride. The fingers in his hair started moving again.

“Keith, please. Talk to me. At least let me know if you’re okay.”

Keith sniffed. Was he okay? Was he really? He felt something wet roll across his nose and drip onto the pillow beneath his face. “No.” Another hand came up to wipe under his eye. Oh, it was a tear. When had he started crying? Keith didn’t cry. He could remember crying twice in his life: once when his father died, and again when Shiro was proclaimed dead. To cry over something like this was stupid. It made him feel like even more of an idiot than he already did.

“No, you don’t want to talk to me? Or no, you’re not okay?” Keith shrugged. He could finally recognize the voice talking to him. He wasn’t sure if Shiro taking care of him while he was being stupid made him feel better or worse. “Can you at least tell me what you drank?”

Well, at least he could answer that. “Dunno. Matt brought it.” He sniffled again. “’S’in the kitchen.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll see if Coran can figure it out. There’s a bucket next to the bed if you need to throw up. I’ll be right back, okay? Hang in there.”

Keith heard the door slide open and shut, and listened until Shiro’s footsteps faded off into the distance. Alone again, and awake, he let himself feel what he’d been shutting out since he learned about Matt’s new relationship. _Stupid. Naive._ _Worthless. Unloveable_ : all of the things he had already known but never really let himself internalize. He should have. They were things he had been told over and over again throughout his life. He should have listened, because if he had, he wouldn’t be lying in his best friend’s bed feeling like such an absolute fool.

The door opened again after a few minutes. Shiro slipped back to his bedside with a glass of water and a couple of pills. “For the morning,” he said. “I can’t do much to make you feel better now, but these will help you sleep better and wake up feeling better.” He began to card his fingers through Keith’s hair again. It was too kind. The sting behind his eyes reminded him that he wasn’t worth that kindness.

Shiro was silent for a few minutes as he sat by Keith’s side. Every once in a while, he wiped away a stray tear or whispered something that was probably meant to be comforting. It helped a little, at least until Keith sobered up enough to begin thinking again.

“Thanks,” he said eventually. He wanted to say more, but he didn’t know what else there was to say.

“Keith…” Shiro started and trailed off. He continued forlornly after a few beats. “I know you’re hurting. I wish I could make it better for you.”

There was a lump in Keith’s throat that made it difficult to speak, but he wanted to try. For Shiro. Because Shiro didn’t deserve to feel useless. Keith would _not_ be the one to make him feel that way.

“I’m just tired of being lonely,” he eventually sighed. Another tear leaked out, which Shiro dutifully wiped away. “I can’t take it anymore.”

“You’re never alone, Keith. I’m here.”

“I know.” Keith sniffed. “But it’s not the same.” He looked up at Shiro to see if he’d caught his meaning — that being _lonely_ is not the same as being _alone_ — and could never have anticipated the look of hurt that marred his features. “What’s wrong?”

The hurt melted away into a deep sadness. Keith hated himself for making Shiro look like that.

“I know I’m not Matt,” Shiro said, “but I will always be here for you.”

Selfishly, Keith felt like he needed more contact. Shiro was still kneeling by the edge of the bed. Keith wanted him beside him. He wanted some friendly touch. He didn’t dare ask, though, because letting himself want like that was what repeatedly broke his heart.

“I just w-wish—” Keith cut himself off, unable to speak. His breathing had become stuttered. “I wish I wasn’t such a fuckup.”

“Keith! Wha—”

“I keep letting this happen.” He took another shaky breath. “It’s my own f-fault. I keep — falling for people who could n-never — love — someone like me.”

The tears continued to fall, streaming down his face faster than Shiro could wipe them away. Keith didn’t try to stop them. He was still half drunk on god-knows how much mysterious rebel booze, and he was tired, and he just didn’t have it in him to care anymore. He was tired of constantly having his heart stomped on. He was tired of everyone proving time and time again that he wasn’t worth sticking around for.

“I’m so stupid.”

“What? No, Keith—”

“I am!” Keith couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take the kindness. He couldn’t take the hurt in Shiro’s eyes and voice. He couldn’t take the split open feeling of crying in front of someone. Most of all, he hated himself for the pathetic pity party he was throwing. “I am stupid, Shiro. I let myself love him when I knew he would never love me back. He _told_ me, Shiro! He told me when we started this whole thing that it wasn’t like that. We _agreed_. I’m just an idiot who keeps letting myself care more about people than they do about me. I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of being unlovable.”

Maybe he was drunker than he thought he was, because if he were sober, he never would have let himself say any of that. But it ultimately didn’t matter, because whether he said it out loud or not, it was an irrefutable fact.

“I’ve always known I wasn’t meant to have love,” Keith murmured. He could feel the heavy hand of sleep descending over him. He wasn’t used to feeling so much or even speaking so much, and he was exhausted. “Not my dad, not the paladins, not you. And now not even Matt.” He turned over onto his other side, his back to Shiro. “Just better off alone,” he mumbled, and then everything was quiet.

_______________

Well, at least the universe gave him one win, Keith thought when he awoke some hours later. He didn’t have to be anywhere immediately, so it didn’t really hurt anything that he had decided to get drunk off his ass and pass out in a puddle of his own tears. Anything except for his pride, he guessed.

The pills that Shiro had given him the night before seemed to have done their jobs. He didn’t have a headache or any nausea. In fact, he felt perfectly normal aside from the stickiness in his eyelids and the gaping hole in his heart.

Not wanting to waste anymore time in a place he no longer wanted to be, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed — Shiro’s, he finally realized, though Shiro was nowhere to be found — and stood for a stretch. He remembered with painful clarity the things he had said to Shiro the night before, so it made sense that Shiro hadn’t bothered to stick around. Keith had accepted a long time ago that Shiro would never love him the same way, and now it seemed the time had finally come that Shiro wouldn’t love him at all. He sighed. All in a day’s work. Keith ran his mouth and another person left him behind. Same old, same old.

He was nearly to his ship when he heard his name being called and the sound of pounding footsteps from behind. “Wait!”

Keith waited. Shiro came to a stop in front of him, huffing and puffing as if he’d been running around the entire castle. “Where are you going?” he asked between breaths. Keith was defenseless against the upturn of Shiro’s brows and the little pout visible even as he collected himself.

“I figured I might as well head out,” Keith said, as if that wasn’t obvious. He didn’t say, _I thought it would be best to get out of your hair when I woke up alone in your room_. As far as Keith was concerned, the message had been delivered loud and clear. No need to stick around.

Although the words were left unsaid, Shiro seemed to understand, because of course he did; he always understood. “I just went to grab us some breakfast,” he said. It was only then that Keith noticed the pack slung over his should. “Got Hunk to make some stuff last night. You… went to sleep pretty early.”

“That’s a nice way to put it.”

Shiro gave him a wry smile. “Come on, Keith. Don’t go. Have breakfast with me.”

Keith sighed but turned away from his ship. “What’s the point, Shiro?”

“We’re friends, aren’t we?” Shiro’s pout was back in full force. “Keith, please—”

“Fine,” Keith said. “If that would make you happy.”

“It would.” Shiro reached out his hand and waited. After a few seconds’ hesitation, Keith cautiously extended his own, and Shiro didn’t hesitate to take it and pull him along. “We’ll go back to my room. No one will bother us there.” Keith nodded.

Shiro didn’t let go of his hand the whole way there. He was probably afraid that Keith was still a flight risk. Honestly, it wasn’t a totally incorrect assumption.

Except that when they arrived at his room, Shiro’s grip on Keith’s hand only tightened.

“Shiro?”

Shiro led him over to the bed, and they sat down side by side.

“I think there’s something you really need to hear.” Shiro placed the pack down in front of them and started pulling out various treats, all obviously crafted by Hunk’s hands. “To be honest, it’s something I should have told you a long time ago. For that, I’m really sorry. It wasn’t fair to you for me to keep it to myself.” The look in his eyes was so serious and earnest that it froze Keith to the spot.

“And maybe this isn’t the best time, either, considering… well, just considering,” Shiro continued, “but I don’t want you to leave here thinking you’re unloveable, or unloved.” He squeezed the hand still in his. Keith didn’t have the strength to argue or take it back. “Because Keith…”

Keith felt the breath whoosh out of him at the way Shiro pinned him with his gaze.

“You are loved.”

He felt the telltale signs of oncoming tears again, and _god_ , when did he become someone who cried so much?

“You got your mom back, and she loves you. She loves you so much that she gave up everything to protect you. And now she’s back, and I know she’d still do anything to protect you.” That was true, probably. He did have a pretty good relationship with his mom now. “The paladins love you.” Keith balked. “No, I’m serious, Keith. They do love you. They just don’t know how to deal with you being gone. It’s easier to be mad at someone than to miss them when aren’t around. You know?” Keith nodded. He wasn’t sure it was true that the other paladins missed him at all, but he knew what it felt like to push people away before they could do the same. “Coran loves you. He was worried when I showed him the stuff you drank. You really put it down. Without your mom’s DNA, I have no idea how you would have been able to drink so much.” There was a pregnant pause before he continued.

“Matt loves you too, you know,” Shiro said quietly. Keith’s heart thudded painfully. He didn’t want to think about Matt yet. He was already feeling the jagged edges of a broken heart. He didn’t need anyone to rub salt on the fresh wound. “He _does_ ,” Shiro insisted. “Maybe not the same way you love him, but there are lots of different kinds of love, Keith, and he loves you so much. Just don’t shut him out for longer than you need to, because I know he’d be heartbroken, too, to lose someone as amazing as you.”

Keith sniffled and turned his eyes to the ceiling, trying to force the threatening tears not to fall. He swallowed thickly a few times. Shiro didn’t say anything while Keith tried to collect himself.

“I know,” Keith finally said when he could trust his voice. “It just hurts.”

“Yeah,” Shiro said. “I’m so sorry. But you know…” He reached up to tuck a strand of hair out of Keith’s eyes. He had always told Keith not to hide behind his hair. “I love you, too. More than anything. I’m — I am in love with you.”

Keith’s eyes snapped to Shiro’s before he even had time to register what he’d just heard.

“I’m sorry my timing is awful. I didn’t want to say anything and risk putting you in an awkward position.” He laughed self-deprecatingly. “Guess I’m sort of doing that anyway, though. Sorry.”

Keith knew he was staring, but he didn’t know what to say. He probably looked crazy.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Shiro said. “It’s okay. I’m not expecting anything at all. I just needed you to know that you are _so_ loved, Keith.” His eyes were soft and adoring, and Keith didn’t know how to handle it. No one, and he knew that for a fact, had _ever_ looked at him that way before.

He wanted to say something, to reciprocate even a little bit of the kindness and reassurance that Shiro was pouring onto him, but he didn’t even know where to begin. Years of convincing himself that Shiro would never love him, would never see him as anything other than a brother, had programmed his thoughts to find the meaning of Shiro’s words utterly incomprehensible. An unreturned confession had only solidified that certainty. Yet there Shiro was, telling him in no uncertain terms that he was _in love with him_. There was no other way to interpret those words, so Keith sat in silence while the connections in his brain tried desperately to rewire themselves in the wake of such an Earth-shattering revelation.

Keith had all but forgotten that their hands were still joined until he felt another squeeze, longer and stronger than the ones before. “Is this okay?” Shiro asked quietly, finally allowing some uncertainty to seep into his tone. Keith nodded and met his eyes, still watching him with quiet, steady affection.

“You love me?” he whispered, almost like saying it too loudly would make it untrue.

“I love you,” Shiro said again. There was no uncertainty in those words. “I’ll say it as many times as I need to.”

It was the final nail in the coffin of Keith’s emotional stability, and he allowed himself to collapse against Shiro. He didn’t know what it all meant for him yet. His emotions were raw and bruised and bleeding, and before he could even _think_ about figuring out what to do with the knowledge that Shiro was in love with him, he needed to heal. He stayed with his face pressed into Shiro’s shoulder for a long time, just breathing with Shiro’s fingers running soothingly through his hear, until his heart stopped racing and the growing tension headache that had begun to form waned. At long last he looked up to find Shiro already gazing down at him, seemingly lost in thought. When their eyes met, Shiro blinked back to the present, and Keith took it as his cue to finally speak his mind.

“I need time.”

Shiro nodded. Keith felt like there was more he should say. He wanted to tell Shiro that he loved him too, but he wasn’t sure he knew exactly how to feel that again just yet. He wanted to say that he didn’t want this thing between them to be some kind of rebound; that Shiro deserved a love that was wholly and unmistakably his own. He wanted to say that his love for Matt wasn’t going to go away any time soon.

He didn’t, though, because he knew it wasn’t necessary. Shiro looked at him with eyes full of understanding and patience. Keith knew it was more than he would ever deserve, and that more than anything was why he needed time to let himself mend his broken heart and move on before he could give Shiro a proper answer.

He didn’t know how long it would take. Maybe it would only be weeks. Maybe it would be years. Maybe he’d never quite get over the love he thought he’d had, but he would try. For Shiro, he would always try.

“I can wait,” Shiro told him, steady as ever. “As long as it takes. I’m yours.”

Maybe it would be a long time before Keith was ready to open his heart again, but already he felt the crushing loneliness begin to fade. If nothing else, Shiro would always be there, in whatever way Keith needed him. And Matt would be there, too, as a friend and confidante and hopefully, someday soon, someone who could give him the easy comfort that had brought them together in the first place.

All he knew at the moment was that he was done with being alone. He didn’t want to go back yet. He wasn’t ready to leave the soul-deep comfort of someone who knew him so thoroughly and chose not to leave, after all.

“I guess I can stay a little longer,” he sighed, exhausted to his core. He picked up one of the treats that Shiro had so thoughtfully brought him and took a bite. It was still warm and tasted sweet, like fruity pancake dough. He felt his own edges soften and a heavy weight of tension bleed away.

Shiro gave him one final squeeze and finally let go of his hand. “I’m glad,” he said. “I’m always happy to have you here.”

Keith smiled to himself, the smallest smile he could muster. Maybe things would be okay. At least he had hope.


End file.
